What's the difference between potentially and realistically?

A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a moment, and then answered "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass on an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers." The father replied "That's my boy..."

A duck walks into a bar

A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"
"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman.
"Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please."

Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.

"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there.

We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."

And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager.

Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round.

Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck.

"You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of money out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."

Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.
Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."

"Really? says the duck?"
"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."
"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."
"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big
pole in the middle?"
"Yeah!"

"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.
"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen."

The duck looked very puzzled.
"What the f*** would he want with a plasterer?"

Website to 'shame' absent parents

Ministers are planning to publish on the internet the names of absent parents who refuse to pay maintenance for their children.

The move, aimed at shaming parents into paying up what they owe, has already been tried in the US.

It is due to be among measures in a White Paper later this week outlining reforms to the maintenance system.

Critics say the new measures could cause hostility between partners at a difficult time in their relationship.

The White Paper will include details of the smaller body which is to replace the troubled Child Support Agency, which has been dogged by problems and is owed £3.5bn.

It will also list new enforcement powers aimed at the 30% of absent parents the agency been unable to track down.

The website could be up and running within months as legislation is not needed to get it online.

Other proposals are expected to include removing passports from absent parents who do not pay up, and imposing curfews and electronic tagging.

Nick Woodall of the Centre for Separated Families, a support group for families going through separation, said the government "unwittingly contributed" to conflict between parents.

He told BBC Radio Five Live: "It seems like it's just another attempt by the government to sound tough on parents, when really what it should be doing is creating services to help them."

'Incredibly angry'

But Janet Allbeson from the charity One Parent Families said lone parents were desperate for the government to "put some welly" into the collection of unpaid maintenance.

"We talk to lone parents all the time and they are desperate for the (Child Support Agency) to really take strong action against non-resident parents, to make sure they pay.

"And they're incredibly angry that people who don't pay child support, really, they've been treated a bit too lightly."

On Saturday it emerged that the CSA had been increasingly using private companies to collect unpaid money, which had so far enabled it to recover about £320,000 which it would not otherwise have recovered.

However, some campaigners fear that more than £1bn owed to parents will be written off when the agency is replaced.

Spammers gear up for pre-Christmas blitz

A sudden increase in spam has been identified in the latest security report issued today, as cyber-criminals gear up for a pre-Christmas blitz.

Spammers are using new weapons to evade detection by conventional security software and increase their success rate, according to the October 2006 Intelligence report from security firm MessageLabs.

One of these is a 'dropper' variant of the Warezov virus, which instructs the infected computer to download a second component, an executable file, from an IP address.

Usually the .exe file downloads a spam message and email addresses, turning the infected computer into a spam production house.

Using a dropper technique means that Warezov does not have to deliver all its code in the initial infection, making it harder to detect using conventional antivirus software.

Furthermore, variations of Warezov have been issued in batches. Conventional antivirus software works by identifying the virus signature, the string of code which makes up the virus.

By altering the code subtly with each variation, the virus can evade detection until antivirus firms identify the new variation and issue an update.

Warezov variations have been released over weekends when staffing levels at antivirus firms are lowest, which means that security firms have struggled to issue patches in time, according to Wood.

Large computer systems which use heuristic, or rules-based, filters can weed out these variations, but such tools are not viable for single PCs as they would sap too much processing power.

Another weapon in the spammers' new arsenal is a spam-sending Trojan dubbed SpamThru which employs the "spam cannon" technique. This uses a template for each spam and combines it with a list of email addresses, similar to a mail merge.

In October, the global ratio of spam in email traffic from new and unknown bad sources was 72.9 per cent (one in 1.37 emails), an increase of 8.5 per cent on the previous month, according to MessageLabs.

This is the sharpest rise in spam levels since January 2006, which saw an increase of 9.2 per cent.

Spam is sent out by distributed networks of zombie computers, usually broadband-connected home PCs, recruited into criminal service by infection with a Trojan virus unbeknown to their owners.

Security firms have destroyed botnets by attacking their command and control channel, usually concentrated at a single point, the equivalent of killing a monster by cutting off its head.

However, cyber-criminals are adapting the way botnets operate, distributing command and control using techniques similar to peer-to-peer networks.

Even if the principal command and control channel is destroyed, access to one zombie in the network can re-establish control, making the botnet much harder to kill.

MessageLabs revealed last week that it had detected a botnet of nearly one million zombie PCs being assembled.

This super-sized botnet uses distributed command and control, according to Wood, which on the surface makes it look like several smaller botnets, when in fact it can operate as a single entity with remarkable resilience.

MessageLabs argued that consumers should not have to protect themselves against these threats and that aggressive email filtering should be performed by ISPs before it reaches consumers' email inboxes.

This would also free bandwidth to make legal traffic move more quickly.

Even large companies which can afford heuristic filters at the boundaries of their networks would benefit from this service because spam filtering currently consumes bandwidth and processing power on their networks.

Christmas surfing costs UK firms dear

The rising number of staff searching the web for Christmas presents while at work could end up costing UK businesses more than £7bn between now and the holidays, experts have warned.

Online sales are set to hit £9bn this Christmas after more than two million people took up shopping on the internet in the past 12 months.

But an employment law expert believes that the figure could almost be matched by the cost to British businesses.

If the average worker spends half an hour a day shopping online, and is paid an average hourly wage of £12.50, UK employers could stand to lose almost £1bn a week in lost work time, the Employment Law Advisory Services (ELAS) estimates.

With eight working weeks to go before Christmas, that could amount to almost £7.25bn in lost time.

"More and more people are turning to the internet either to buy presents, or to do a little window shopping," said Peter Mooney, head of consultancy at ELAS.

"But for many employers, every hour a member of staff spends looking for Christmas presents online is an hour they should have spent working.

"Even using rather conservative estimates, that could cost UK businesses billions between now and 25 December."

ELAS advises employers to act now by setting out a specific internet policy.

"By outlining what is and what is not acceptable during work time, employers not only remind their staff not to abuse work systems, but give themselves a solid basis on which to take action whenever anyone oversteps the mark," said Mooney.

Beware - Christmas day is dangerous

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

42 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.=

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

and finally...

In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

As you can see we are very busy developing http://www.ninebean.com

Sweat blood and tears

Sweat, blood and tears have been expended over the past months, brainstorming and building a new concept which will provide a whole bunch of functionality.

Actually, thats not really correct. We sat round the kitchen table and thought of a concept, discussed it over many many cups of tea and put the plan together.

We then put together a steering committee which consisted of 3 children under 7.

Seemed to work really well, and they came out with lots of great ideas. Mostly to do with Star Wars, Bob the Builder and Spiderman.....

Anyway, more soon.